After my last hula class (which was on Dec. 7), my kumu hula mentioned something about it being the 70th anniversary of Pearl Harbor day. I never take too well to this reminder.  My father was stationed in the Pacific and when I think of the Japanese and the Second World War, I think of what WE did to THEM.

I think of Nagasaki and Hiroshima.  I will not go into details, although I have plenty enough in my "little grrl" mind, there are plenty of details to be had if that is what you want.

My kumu hula being Hawaiian we see Pearl Harbor from different places.  Not long after she brought it up, she left the room, and I couldn't find her, and I seriously believed I had offended or insulted her.  One does NOT insult or offend a kumu hula, it simply is NOT done!!!  When I arrived home from hula class that night, I called her to apologize and her cell phone went right to voicemail.  She may have been on it, or told it to go to voicemail.  I had no way of knowing.  What I DO know about my kumu hula, is that she always returns calls promptly.......so I worked it around in my head that she was angry with me.  Oh, yeah, I had it all worked out.

By the time for class the next week, when I still had not heard from her, I decided she must be REALLY pissed if a week had passed and she hadn't returned my call!!!  So, I called her cell phone and left a message that I wouldn't come to hula class, I would skip that week's class to give her some space.  That call was left in early afternoon. And she didn't call me and tell me I was wrong/or what in the world was I talking about????!!!!  So I didn't go to hula class that night, and I'm certain I had a pity party for myself and cried quite a bit about the whole thing.

The next day or so I had to call mental health (good thing, you're thinking, right?!) because I am having mixed manic/depressive episodes. So I call my old counselor Marie.  She knows me better than anyone down at mental health.  She listened to what was disturbing me most (my kumu hula - by this time I had worked it out that she wanted me out of the halau), and she said she had to take another client to Shannon, so she would talk to her for/about me and ask her to give me a call.  I know both of them have schedules that would wear out the normal person, so I hunkered down to wait.

Finally, the next day, Shannon called.  She was AMAZED to find out that we were having an argument, and even more amazed to discover that she was mad at me!!!  I asked her please not to focus on that, but to tell me what was going on with the phone calls not being returned, etc.  And she told me her husband had gifted her with a brand new cell phone and she has no idea how to use it!!!

That simple and that complicated!!!  So for approximately 2 weeks I tortured myself with old old thoughts - she doesn't love me, she's going to make me go away from the halau, I don't count, I'm not important enough, I, I, I, I.........do you see the problem here????

All the I's and none of the input from her????  I made this whole thing up in my own head.  Do you think this made me feel better?  Wrong!!!  It makes me feel ashamed of myself, and STUPID!!!  That I would question the love my kumu hula holds for me, or for any other member of the halau, for that matter.  That I would think she would throw me, or anyone else out of the halau over a personal viewpoint, that she would HAVE a one-way argument with me, and simply stop speaking to me?!  That is not the kumu hula I have come to know and love over these 12 years of learning to dance hula.

The fact that this is not how/who my kumu hula is is only one aspect of this mess.  The worst part is I'M DOING IT AGAIN!!!  I'm making things up in my head based on one or two words, a phone call that is not returned for a damned good reason, and nothing else.  People I be one sick chick!!!  I do NOT look forward to the counselling it is going to take to sort me out again, but I am grateful that I am aware that I am here again.  Some don't even know.  I'm shamed, embarassed, and feeling really stupid at the moment.

Thanks for listening yet again, People.  Talk to me.