Ok, this may ramble, but I will try to keep it tight and concise, because I really need some feedback, and how can you help me if you don't understand what I'm writing about.  Here goes.

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On March 4, 2007 my best friend Cherie died.  It wasn't a surprise as such, she told me the day she met me that she was dying.  She was Kent's wife and I met her first.  She approached me in the pharmacy and said "Thank you for wearing that right out loud."  She was referring to my forehead tattoo, and she was a Goddess worshipper as well.  We became instant best friends.  She had moved over here from the valley so she could live at the ocean before she died.  Kent was still living in the valley, preparing their home for sale, and after it sold, he moved to the coast and we met for the first time.  I would visit them frequently and sometimes I would get a little "tipsy" as it were, one time I had to have AAA pull me out of a small ditch across from their driveway......this is why Kent ALWAYS turned my car around for me after we played.

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On March 11th the same year, my other good good friend Jeannie died.  Yes, one week to the day.  There was no excuse for Jeannie dying, she had heart issues and other health issues and she was feeling LOUSY but her husband didn't really want to go through the emergency room B.S. on a Saturday night......and so, the next morning, he awoke to find she had died in her sleep.  She had been a VERY good, and close friend to me, she visited me frequently and we got along SO well, we made each other LAUGH!!!  I loved that and SO many other qualities about her.  Her death was a rude shock, since I knew she was under a doctor's care and would have expected her husband to make certain she took good care of herself.

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Maybe 6 months after these deaths, my last best friend moved away for good......she's somewhere near Portland, I think.  Shortly after she moved, she stopped speaking to me entirely, no reasons given, no arguments, no notice, she just wouldn't answer my calls, changed her number and quit calling me.  Then I found out she was saying ugly things about me to my dear dear friend Chester.  We had been like sister and brother since 1987 when we met during some gay/lesbian protests.  She told Chester that I had no right to grieve Jeannie because SHE had known her for 20+ years, unlike me, a recent friend.  I think she was jealous because Jeannie loved me best between the two of us.  Whenever she went to my friend's house, she would have her roll cigarettes for her.  She never asked me to do that for her since she knew I didn't smoke, and frankly, I just don't think it occurred to her to ask me.

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Then my mother died, altogether not a good or happy year for me.  Again, MJ (my friend) told Chester I had no right to be grieving the way I was, since I hadn't known Jeannie that long, and my losing bunches of weight over it all REALLY seemed to piss her off.  She also told Chester that I was trying to seduce Kent.  Please keep in mind that his wife had just DIED!!!  I lost my best best friend, I lost another good good friend, and then SHE turned her back on me.  All the deaths and her abandonment broke my heart.

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During the year before everyone left me in one way or another, MJ's son had lived with me for 6 months, he put his queen sized sleigh bed (just a truly BEAUTIFUL frame and a VERY good mattress) in my storage room (the upstairs, which is basically unfinished so I never used it) and he stayed downstairs with me most of the time anyway.  He was struggling with schizophrenia and I didn't know until some years later that he had been having halucinations and was hearing things while he lived with me.  He eventually was homeless briefly because I had to ask him to leave due to the government not knowing he lived with me even that short amount of time.  His mother, MJ, took him in for a week or two, then the next thing I heard from him, he was in California in rehab for the way he misused his pain meds.  His absent father paid for the rehab, and after the active rehab, he moved into a sober living house for a year.  Then he fell in love, moved in with his love and her teenage son, and they had a baby together.  All this time, his beautiful, scrumptious bed has been in my storage room.....and the whole time, he is calling me to tell me he's going to come and get it, but the date always gets pushed back for some reason or another, mainly not having the money to do the trip with a U-Haul, and nothing short of that would get his bed to California.

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So, he and I have been talking on the phone all this time, and I consider myself to be his Aunty, and HE considers me to be his Aunty.  Very nice, love all around.  Frankly I think it made his mother mad that he didn't ask/expect things from me like he did her, but Hell, he's HER son!!!  In all this time, I have NEVER mentioned his mother once, not to ask about her, not to say hello to her through him.  And he never mentioned her either, out of compassion for my VERY hurt feelings.  I truly have appreciated that from him, he's a very gentle giant person in this world.

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Last night while Kent and I were talking, he called.....I told my phone to ignore his calls, I wasn't willing to interrupt my call with Kent to hear another reason the bed wasn't going to be picked up.  And, if you read my other blog, you know Kent and I had a lovely conversation.  I suppose I should also address how I came to be lovers with Kent.  After Cherie died, Kent and I stayed friends, I went with him to pick up her ashes, and so forth.  We were just friends, no one wanted more than that, we were good friends.  After about a year and a half, Kent started telling me he was dreaming about me......sexually.  At first (about 6 months) I just laughed with him about it, and 'splained that I am a lesbian, silly man.  He took that all in his stride and we stayed good friends.  Eventually, I decided I needed some active affection, and decided Kent was the best prospect to get that.  Yes, I was thinking about myself, not him or anyone else.....selfish bitch, huh?

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This morning MJ's son called.  After all this time, he has decided to give the bed to ME to sell for the money he never paid me for storage.......he never paid storage because I never asked for it, I knew he didn't have the money.  It is wonderful that he has given me this great bed to sell, I can truly use the money, and I'm hoping I can get my kumu hula (who has a design business too, complete with a showroom) to take the bed to sell, and we can split the money some equitable way.

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Then he tells me that MJ has been talking to him about me.  Mind, this is the first time in years he has mentioned her to me.  He says she wants to get in touch with me, but "can't live her life on the phone with me" is how she put it to him to put to me.  Now I'm in a state of confusion, (you knew I'd get back to that, right?) and don't know quite how to take this news.  I AM a phone slut, but can certainly accept limits to my phone time, etc.  I don't have to live in her pocket for Goddess sake, and frankly I'm tickled pink that she misses me in her life.......we were the bestest friends for about a year or so.  And we talked most days of the world......then the deaths happened, and she moved away and quit talking to me with no explanation, or any apparent concern for my VERY hurt feelings.

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So, what do I do?  I told him if his mother wants to talk to me, she should call.  I am NOT calling her......if she doesn't want to "live her life on the phone" she just doesn't need to call me very often, or she needs to be very clear about when she needs to go, I am NOT her mother or her babysitter and I need her to be an upfront, honest friend or just go away. Now WHY can't I just TELL her that?!  I am not exactly the same person I was when we were so close.  I've grown and changed a LOT through all that grief and so on.  And again, I have to remind myself, if I don't abandon me, it doesn't matter WHO DOES!!!  That certainly includes HER.  And what about when she finds out Kent and I ARE lovers????  I believe she will feel VERY smug and tell people SHE KNEW IT ALL ALONG!!!  What this all comes down to, now that I read it, is that I think I don't like or trust her very much.  Again, she can call me, but I don't have to answer if I don't want to, I don't know how adult and upfront I can be with her and I value honesty almost above all things.  Without honesty what becomes of trust????? She broke my trust and I don't know how she will EVER replace it, or the years I have cried because I have lost SO many dear dear people in my life in a VERY short period of time.

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Now what?????  Thank you for listening, yet again, People.  Talk to me.